Part 1

Early. Not yet 2 AM. I find myself this as more intimidating with feelings at early point of insomnia.

Messy hair. Messy bed. Just the music and words flow like stream of blood. Yet the lights are on , and I still feel darker inside. Tears evaporate. Hurt is moist. Pain is rain.

You are my storm , which was a rainbow at once.  Its too hard and too late to feel my pulse. It's like the sun went down.

I will always forgive you if you say sorry. And sometimes I  even forgave you when you didn't.
The truth is if I decide I care about you I will give you 100%.. I did that always and still do . I never gave up on you even thought you gave me every reason to.

Give me a bad person and I’ll tell you they are misunderstood. And I will find good in them because I try and find good in everyone.

The truth is I put you first even before myself sometimes. And in those moments where I’m lifting you up, you won’t see that I might be drowning under the surface.

The truth is I will always made time for you even when you didn't do the same. The truth is if you are good to me I’ll be even better, but if you’re bad to me I won’t try to hurt you in return. I’ll still love you deeply because I think you deserve it. 

But when there was a day a good heart like mine became tired and I couldn't keep trying anymore — that’s it.

 It broke my heart to walk away from someone I care for. But everyone has their breaking point. And I might love freely and care too much but I’m no fool. And it might take me a while but the day a good heart gives up on you should be the day you fear most.

Because on that day, you have missed out on the rarest person you  came across in your life.

When it ended, the little things haunted me the most.

The text I  don’t get in the morning.

The notification I no longer see.

The snaps that aren’t from her.

Not knowing about her day.

Or anything in her life at all.

It’s being unfriended.

Unfollowed.

It’s the left I used to take, driving to see them. It pains to go the other way.

It’s the loneliness that haunts me, I wonder — does she miss me too?

It’s tossing and turning late at night.

It’s just not being hungry.

It’s the empty feeling without her.

It’s the pain in someone asking how they are.

And I have to tell them you’re not together.

It’s laying there at night wondering who is holding them.

It’s the dreams that turn into nightmares.

Like they are everywhere and there is no way to escape them.

It’s running into them and just not knowing what to do.

It’s looking at them as if they were a stranger.

But I know every one of their secrets.

You know how they like to be kissed.

You know how they like to be held.

You know exactly what to say to calm them down.

Here you are with an abundance of information.

You don’t know what to do with.

Then you try and move on.

But in everyone you look at, you search for them.

As if finding them would lead you to find yourself again.

Because when they left they took all of you with them.

Everyone falls short.

Everyone leaves you a little more empty.

Because when they one person who can make you feel better.

Is the one who has made you fall apart.

How do you even save yourself?

How do you find yourself again?